Counsellor Brighton

PART 3. Motherhood... A Grief Process

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PLEASE NOTE: THIS POST CONTAINS DETAILS OF POSTNATAL DEPRESSION, ANXIETY & A DISCUSSION OF GRIEF


Motherhood... A Grief Process

I know that the Kübler-Ross theory (2014) has more facets that anger, isolation and depression. But for my journey, and my experience of motherhood, I feel that it’s been predominately an interplay between those three aspects of the stages of grief. I didn’t find that I followed any particular flow, but that the feelings I’ve personally associated with motherhood can translate into the grief model. But maybe that’s because I wish to find an explanation for the emotions I had for some years?


With the ‘final stage’ of grief, I can’t say that I feel I’ve reached a point of acceptance about motherhood, as I think it’s still a work in progress. My life is much calmer as I can see the gains that have come from my losses. Without the loss of my own identity, I don’t think I’d appreciate the opportunities for personal growth it’s provided me with. My work towards acceptance has created a deeper level of love for my children, strength and determination to be their role model where my own mother couldn’t be. I aim for unconditional love towards them but know that I often fail, “sometimes we catch ourselves mistreating our children the way that we were mistreated” (Viorst, 2002. Pg. 214) and no longer hold myself accountable to the expectations from the ‘child-centered’ communities or those of my husband.

 

“Many counsellors are unaware of the way in which negative experiences from the past are also re-lived in the relationship between themselves and the clients, and so do not make as constructive a re-learning from them as they might otherwise do.”

(Jacobs, 1996. Pg. 11)

 

Prior to becoming a psychotherapist, I worked on the assumption that grief was a linear process, when one stage of grieving ends then there’s space for the next stage or to begin processing a different loss. In reality, I feel loss and grief could be multi-variant in nature. That one loss process feeds into another regardless of the ‘stage’ reached or whether a theory suggests the finality of the process. Having read the ‘Dual Process Theory’ of grief and bereavement (Strobe & Schut, 2010), I still don’t believe that all my losses to motherhood fit into that model neatly either; unless I only look at one aspect of my grief rather than the interrelatedness that I feel is there. Does each loss I experienced (independence, sexual, physical) have an entitlement to its own grieving process or do they all sit within my overarching sense of identity loss? And will that grief ever feel like its concluded or do I merely accept it as a given based on duration passed? I feel that the notion of time being a healer doesn’t feel fitting for me, yet for some clients it does. That it’s almost a question of society deeming a time-limiting process, that I only have permission to acknowledge the losses for so long before it becomes unacceptable, “grief that is experienced when a loss cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned or publicly mourned” (Doka, 2002.Pg.160) I question as to whether I still recognise the aspect of myself that I felt ‘died’ when I became a mother and as such I’ve absorbed this aspect as being a configuration of myself? (Mearns & Thorne, 2006. Pg. 120-143) The confident, professional, independent woman that I once was still serves ‘her’ benefits in my present life which may be why I can’t, or even won’t, grieve a loss of ‘her’ entirely.

This is Part 3 of a 3 part series of a personal account of postnatal depression, anxiety & loss.


References 

Doka, K (2002) Disenfranchised grief. In Kenneth J. Doka (Ed.) Living with grief: Loss in later life (pp. 159-168) Washington D.C.:The Hospice foundation of America

Kübler-Ross, E. (2014) On death & dying: What the dying have to teach doctors, nurses, clergy & their own families. Scribner: New York

Mearns, D & Thorne, B. (2006) Person-centred therapy today. New frontiers in theory and practice. Sage: London.

Stroebe, M. & Schut, H. (2010) The Dual Process model of coping with bereavement: Rationale and description. Death studies (23) 3: pp 197-224

Viorst, J. (2002) Necessary Losses. The Free Press: New York

Photograph by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

3 Inspirational Books For Living an Authentic Life

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3 Inspirational books for living an authentic life!

Let’s face it, the world is full of amazing books with some really great resources and authors! So many books and so little time.

As a therapist, I ensure I read for pleasure and personal development. It can be a heady mix to find the right balance - challenging and engaging enough without being too repetitive, not too aimed at an academic readership or where the general narrative is pretty dry. I dislike feeling like a book is a slog! It’s my form of self-care where I always want something that sparks a resonance or an insight for me. I know… I have quite a list of requirements for my reading.

I also enjoy reading around topics that my clients bring to me or that I feel may help them in their therapeutic journey. Psycho-education leads to a greater understand of Self and the world around us. I don’t believe that therapy should be a mystical process and through sharing books or useful material, I can help de-mystify the therapeutic process. I feel my role is to empower a client to lead their best possible life with the resources they have available to them.

Resources for your self-development toolkit

Here’s my top 3 books for authentic living!

  1. Authentic by Dr. Stephen Joseph.

  2. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

  3. Flow. The Psychology of Happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

First up is the book Authentic, which does exactly what it says on the tin! Dr Stephen Joseph weaves his personal narrative with thought provoking and motivational exercises, resulting in an exploration through psycho-educational tools to find out what you need to fulfil a sense of living authentically. It’s a book you can either devour, dip in and out of or pace yourself through the exercises to allow time to process what may come up for you. I’d highly recommend to anyone thinking of entering, or already in, therapy or as a handbook for life!

Daring Greatly is yet another awesome book by the delightful Brené Brown (Would recommend all of her books and most are now on Audible too!). I was inspired to attend her Daring Way workshops after reading this book, I can honestly say that this book offered me insight into what my personal motivations are and what has previously prevented me from achieving my dreams. Brené’s easy to digest style and wholehearted approach to others was a delight to read. The legacy of this book has meant I feel I can firmly stand in my chosen arena and slay any dragons that come between me and my vision.

And finally, Flow: The Psychology of Happiness is the cumulation of decades of research by the author as to ‘states in which people report feelings of concentration and deep enjoyment’. It’s a journey through the question of what makes a meaningful and purposeful life, and at what points do we feel truly alive? It covers a diverse range of topics from philosophy, consciousness, sex, music, solitude and chaos. Sounds like an average weekend in Brighton… About a sixth of the book is the author’s notes and references, it’s truly a comprehensive book that requires commitment. But what a pay-off!

I hope you consider reading some of the books listed above and would love to hear of any other suggestions you may have. Most of the books are also available on Audible, so there’s really no excuse! Happy reading!