Authentic Living

What your therapist wants you to know - A letter to potential clients

Hope

Recently, I was interviewed for a ‘Meet the therapist’ series which included questions about myself as a practitioner - how, why and where I work. And one question stood out;

What do you wish clients knew about therapy?

There’s so many things a client might like to know, as I recollect having lots of questions about therapy. Psychotherapy is a commitment, yet it may only be a commitment of a single-session. (Something you don’t often hear within therapeutic culture) and I know that clients often feel apprehensive about seeking support. Moshe Talmon suggests ensuring clients are under no illusion of ‘hocus pocus’ or any other kind of magical fix by clearly defining the role of the therapist and the therapeutic encounter. In his book, “Single Session Solutions. A Guide to Practical, Effective and Affordable Therapy” (1993), Talmon writes ‘a therapist’s introductory letter to a potential client’ (Pg.195). I believe this letter encapsulates a lot of the areas I wish clients knew about therapy;

“To My Clients:

It may be helpful to tell you how I see the job of a therapist. My job is to facilitate your psychological well-being, by helping you to solve the problem or dilemma that may have made you feel stuck and demoralized.

The first thing you need to know is that the goal of the therapist is to help you help yourself. The therapist’s greatest pleasure and reward should be to see you go back to the business of life more confident of your ability to take care of your problems, trusting your judgment and intuition. Therapy should be helpful and efficient, and thus, as brief and un-intrusive as possible to your normal life. Our main allies in achieving this goal are not the latest technologies or scientific findings. They are your mental and physical abilities. The therapist is not the healer. You are! The therapist’s job is to help activate and facilitate your own healing mechanism and your inner wisdom.

The therapist should never doubt that your pains and problems are real. The act of seeking the help of a psychotherapist may make you feel as if you are crazy or a hypochondriac. You are not! The therapist will learn about you by listening very carefully to everything you say and asking questions to find out what got you stuck. Why are your warning signals flashing? Most important, the therapist will search with you for ways to get you unstuck and facilitate the necessary shift or change.

The combination of your available psychological knowledge and the wisdom of your body-mind is a powerful team and knows what to do. Muster your resources – spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical, and social. You are not alone. Many sources of help are available to you. Do not panic or give up. Your most powerful tool is your will to live. Your coming to see a therapist is an expression of your will to live and your willingness to do whatever you need to do to recover and regain your self-mastery. Don’t ask yourself to do anything unless you know that you are capable of it and that it will facilitate the necessary changes. At all times you will be in charge of the change and of the healing process. The therapist should not trick you or make you do things that may humiliate or harm you or allow you to lose control.

Although the therapist will be available and by your side whenever and as long as necessary, your job is the make the therapist obsolete as soon as possible. End therapy as soon as you feel that the problem is solved or – more likely and more precisely – that you can manage it on your own.

You are here because you want to stop the pain and regain hope. This will be the time to put into the fullest use whatever capacity is left in you to enjoy and laugh. Talk with your therapist about your joys as much as sorrows, about solutions as much as problems. Therapy is not a place only to complain and blame. You many have come to therapy because you feel helpless and like a victim; do not make therapy a place to do more of the same things that made you feel badly. Therapy is a place to change, take charge, regain hope, and solve problems.

No doubt you have some negative feelings right now and you should express them openly. But watch out! Negative feelings can ignite your entire mind like a fire in a windy, dry summer. When negative thoughts occupy the mind, they can block out other perceptions, prospects and pleasures.

Forgiveness is a gift you need to give not only to others but to yourself. Everyone makes plenty of mistakes and everyone needs to be forgiven in order to move on. Nothing clutters the soul more than remorse, resentment, recrimination. Guilt and blame are the best bet for not changing. The easiest way to deepen grievance is to cling to it. The surest way to intensify a problem is to blame yourself. Change and action come more easily out of a non-judgmental understanding and self-love than out of criticizing and undermining yourself. 

Therapy should generate and encourage your confidence in yourself and in your capacity to solve the problem. Form a partnership of hope. Your hope, which you’ve displayed by coming to therapy, is the therapist’s secret weapon. It is the most potent ingredient in any prescription, in any task you decide to take upon yourself.”

- Moshe Talmon -

If you need support, are considering therapy or are therapy-curious, then please contact me to arrange an initial phone consultation.

REFERENCES

The letter is taken from Moshe Talmon’s book “Single Session Solutions. A Guide to Practical, Effective and Affordable Therapy” (1993) published by Addison-Wesley publishing company.

Surviving the summer holidays - Why self-care is more than a bubble bath

Family beach shot against the sea

The summer holidays are here. The long awaited anticipation of 6 weeks with no school runs, traffic, after-school clubs, music lessons, packed lunches or PTA meetings. Huzzah! And then… reality hits.

Trading lunch box requests for 6 weeks of logistical juggling between existing work commitments and family expectations that you’ll visit with your brood simply because ‘it’s the holidays’ can leave a parent feeling just on the brink of… well, anything. As it’d be a break from the push and pull of current demands. I often post on social media about self-care and discuss it in session. But what exactly is this self-care we speak of?

Self care is more than a bubble bath. Finding our unmet need.

During my days of training, I was often warned of the frequency at which therapists burn out. That is, taking on so much that our stress levels become elevated to the point that we find it hard to focus, sleep, eat or function. As a member of the helping professions, and particularly for some of us empathic/highly sensitive/attuned folk, it’s important to really look at our unmet needs. If ‘self-care’ is reframed as ‘unmet needs’, then it offers a different perspective and language to work with. Let me explain…

There are points over the holidays where parents may experience a sense of overwhelm – becoming short-tempered, argumentative, tired, teary or grumpy. Or all of the above. If this is you, then I’d invite you to reflect on when those instances have previously occurred as you’ll likely spot a pattern. This will provide you with an insight into your unmet needs and allows you to consider how they might be met either in advance of them happening or as they happen.

How have you reached the point of feeling short-tempered or argumentative? Take 5 minutes to jot down on a piece of paper whatever comes to mind. The likelihood is there has been a miscommunication, or lack of communication, of needs. Expressing expectations about what you would like to happen – or not happen! Being clear in telling others what you need ensures you’re more likely to be heard, have your needs acknowledged and met. Inviting others to support or hear you, makes any covert assumptions and expectations into an overt, clear contract. A case of, ‘here is the thing I need right now and I need you to help me by doing X. Can you do that for me?’. A key approach in ‘Non-Violent Communication’ by Marshall Rosenberg (2015, Pg.7) is 4 clear steps:

  1. Observation - state the concrete actions you observation that affect your wellbeing (without evaluation or judgement). This can be tricky when you’re feeling annoyed, so take a breath beforehand.

  2. Feelings - clearly express your feelings in relation to the observation, “I am feeling…..” Focussing on the ‘I’ means you aren’t blaming or shaming inadvertently, which could cause a further argument for you to handle. Using ‘I’ is taking ownership and connecting to your feeling.

  3. Need - Briefly explaining the needs, values or desires that create our feelings. “ I’d like help with cooking dinner so I don’t feel so thinly stretched…”

  4. Request - the concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives. Which aren’t demands… “..Can you help me with dinner please?”

Creating a dialogue that’s open and transparent generates empathic communication. Taking the time to reflect on your previous experience, is an opportunity to head off any future instances of miscommunication and asking to have your needs heard or met is a practice. Consider how to get your needs met sufficiently in order to ensure you can meet the needs of those around you.

Alternatively…  therapy is also an arena to develop the tools of empathic, clear and authentic dialogue.

 

3 Inspirational Books For Living an Authentic Life

Happy woman - authentic living

3 Inspirational books for living an authentic life!

Let’s face it, the world is full of amazing books with some really great resources and authors! So many books and so little time.

As a therapist, I ensure I read for pleasure and personal development. It can be a heady mix to find the right balance - challenging and engaging enough without being too repetitive, not too aimed at an academic readership or where the general narrative is pretty dry. I dislike feeling like a book is a slog! It’s my form of self-care where I always want something that sparks a resonance or an insight for me. I know… I have quite a list of requirements for my reading.

I also enjoy reading around topics that my clients bring to me or that I feel may help them in their therapeutic journey. Psycho-education leads to a greater understand of Self and the world around us. I don’t believe that therapy should be a mystical process and through sharing books or useful material, I can help de-mystify the therapeutic process. I feel my role is to empower a client to lead their best possible life with the resources they have available to them.

Resources for your self-development toolkit

Here’s my top 3 books for authentic living!

  1. Authentic by Dr. Stephen Joseph.

  2. Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

  3. Flow. The Psychology of Happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

First up is the book Authentic, which does exactly what it says on the tin! Dr Stephen Joseph weaves his personal narrative with thought provoking and motivational exercises, resulting in an exploration through psycho-educational tools to find out what you need to fulfil a sense of living authentically. It’s a book you can either devour, dip in and out of or pace yourself through the exercises to allow time to process what may come up for you. I’d highly recommend to anyone thinking of entering, or already in, therapy or as a handbook for life!

Daring Greatly is yet another awesome book by the delightful Brené Brown (Would recommend all of her books and most are now on Audible too!). I was inspired to attend her Daring Way workshops after reading this book, I can honestly say that this book offered me insight into what my personal motivations are and what has previously prevented me from achieving my dreams. Brené’s easy to digest style and wholehearted approach to others was a delight to read. The legacy of this book has meant I feel I can firmly stand in my chosen arena and slay any dragons that come between me and my vision.

And finally, Flow: The Psychology of Happiness is the cumulation of decades of research by the author as to ‘states in which people report feelings of concentration and deep enjoyment’. It’s a journey through the question of what makes a meaningful and purposeful life, and at what points do we feel truly alive? It covers a diverse range of topics from philosophy, consciousness, sex, music, solitude and chaos. Sounds like an average weekend in Brighton… About a sixth of the book is the author’s notes and references, it’s truly a comprehensive book that requires commitment. But what a pay-off!

I hope you consider reading some of the books listed above and would love to hear of any other suggestions you may have. Most of the books are also available on Audible, so there’s really no excuse! Happy reading!