How to ensure your relationship will last the lockdown…
As lockdown fatigue begins to set in, the groundhog day of current existence leaves us a tad on the tetchy side. Which means the person we’re most likely to direct this frustration at is… our partners.
Sharing space 24/7 means that Netflix and chill has morphed into PJ’s and Deliveroo. The monotony of everyday life feels devoid of spontaneity, then there’s no better way to add some unpredictability by having a good argument. I’m joking, although my partner is currently considering this as a theory for how and when we argue… lol. Except - you can’t now meet your friends for a drink and discuss all the annoying ways your partner wound you up. Here I explore ways you can ensure your relationship lasts through lockdown.
See their wholeness
Your partner has multiple parts to their personality - The goofy side, the ‘I can talk to accountants’ side, the intellectual side and the side that your Mother loves (or hates!). Yet when you find yourselves in the middle of a heated argument, or at least bringing it to a boil, you forget this. You only see the part of their personality that you're arguing with. So you label them and your inner dialogue begins to distance by using ‘they’ rather than their name - ‘They ALWAYS talk down to me’ or ‘They NEVER listen’.
When we’re cross, we want to shoot hurtful words or dredge up past experiences to ensure we reach greatest capacity for hurt. When you find yourself in this situation, try to ground yourself by remembering this is only ONE part of your spouse’s entire being. It may be a loud, unhearing part of them but it isn’t the TOTALITY of them.
‘Closed ears, closed mind. Open ears, open mind’
The above wisdom shot straight out the mouth of my youngest sproglet, but she’s bang on the money here. When couples/relationships argue, a withdrawing happens by one partner. And the other often becomes the pursuer. This is often under the idea that the argument will resolve quicker so everyone can go back to Netflix and chill (I’m kidding, the chill dream is dead).
Within that process or withdraw/pursue, it can be soooo easy for you to tune out the other person or invalidate what they’re saying. The hard part… is opening your ears and listening in to what they’re saying. Remaining in a state of open mindedness isn’t easy when you’re raging. Are you reading this and thinking ‘Dream on Jo’? I'm a rational optimist.
Still a part of my world
Recall I mentioned that partners have parts of themselves that make up the totality of them? During an argument either of you is feeling hurt or rejected and those parts need tending to also. The Gottman’s suggest small ways we can remind our partner that they are still a part of our world. During a tense exchange, have you tried offering your partner a cup or tea or coffee? I know, I know. You’re thinking that this is a bit clunky to do and that it might weird out your partner. Yet, this gesture offers an implicit message of ‘I care for you. I see you and that you have needs’. Whilst a decent brew won’t resolve the situation, it will allow both of you to take a breath and pause to collect your feelings. Reflecting on where you closed your ears or withdrew.
(This is in no ways about ‘keeping the peace’! Deep within us we know that if we’re the ones to apologise when we don’t mean it, then the argument is still unresolved - for us!! You will experience the unresolved whilst your partner is unaware until we next bring it up in an argument. See the cycle to break the cycle.)
Ain’t no blame game, ain’t no shame
Let’s face it, I like things that rhyme.
My final suggestion… when you speak to your partner, practice using ‘I’ (if culturally appropriate). When we speak from the ‘I’, it reduces the propensity to blame the other person. Ever yelled ‘You made me feel like shit!!’? Maybe, maybe not. But in that example we do need to own that another person can’t make you feel anything. We can react to a person, but reactions are archaic. Have you ever experienced the following - During an argument, either yourself or partner seems to become defensive? If so, then somewhere, somehow blame has entered the arena without any fanfare. This sudden ‘jolt’ or more hurtful exchange can happen when one of you has experienced blame and that might initiate the ‘shamed’ parts of yourself. So you adjust to shield yourselves from any further blame or shame by going on the defensive. If you notice this ‘jolt’ or a ‘Where the heck did that come from?’, then I’d invite you to take a moment and reflect what happened in the moments prior. Maybe it was an implied communication through your actions (or lack of), or theirs.
By becoming aware of yourself in the moments after the ‘jolt’, you have more available choices to respond from. Self awareness is a brilliant thing - yet without insight (deciding what actions to take to change from archaic to authentic) it becomes moot.
With using the ‘I’, we shift into owning our own feelings and move into being responsible. Response - Able. Able to respond. Which is less about old stuff and more about forming authentic experience in the ‘here and now’.
Whilst lockdown and the Covid Wall feel like they’re closing in sometimes, we can find ways to reconnect in our relationship. Acknowledging with each other what you’re feeling can go a long way to establish and practise the amazing skill of truly listening.
